A Few Deep Thoughts by My Buddy Jack H.

“Before a mad scientist goes mad, there’s probably a time when he’s only partially mad. And this is the time when he’s going to throw his best parties.”

“You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he’s real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.”

“During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were ‘just going down to the corner.’”

“People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don’t understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long blonde hair.”

“I think there should be something in science called the ‘reindeer effect.’ I don’t know what it would be, but I think it’d be good to hear someone say, ‘Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect.’”

“Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is, we both like to spread our ‘stink’ around. The second is we both get hit by cars a lot. The third is stripes.”

“I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he’s throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.”

“If you get invited to your first orgy, don’t just show up nude. That’s a common mistake. You have to let nudity ‘happen.’”

“If you’re at Thanksgiving dinner, but you don’t like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you’re eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you’re out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, ‘Boy, these are good cigars!’”