Me vs. You

In honor of the hilarious Demetri Martin, I rip off one of his funniest bits, "Me vs. You".

A couple of Demetri's:

Me: Angry rapper
You: the English language

Me: Pigeon with explosive diarrhea
You: Statue beneath me and my friends

Some of my futile attempts:

Me: Pack of runners 10 minutes into a race who have been drinking Gatorade for the past 3 hours and have nervous stomachs
You: Woods

Me: Homeless man 6 months removed from hygiene
You: 2/3 train car I choose to sleep in during rush hour

Me: 3 cups of coffee and 2 cigarettes

You: Breath

Me: Venerial disease medication

You: Career of aspiring actor who stars in my commercial

Me: Anabolic steroids

You: Testicles